What if DreamWorks Pictures/DreamWorks Animation was founded in 1934?/Shrek/Transcript
Act 1 - Beginning/Once Upon a Time/Shrek/Mobs/Fairytale creatures exiling/Donkey/"I Can Fly!"/Rescued by Shrek/Surprised visitors Scene 1 (In the memory of Dora Elysian Wilson (1902-2000), a dreamer and a worker) (DreamWorks Pictures logo with the "S"s being green and with Shrek-esque ears) (The film opens with the opening credits starting as "DreamWorks Pictures presents" and "A PDI/DreamWorks production". A storybook opens to reveal its story as the voice-over narrator reads) Narrator: Once upon a time, there was a young ogre named Shrek, who lived with his parents in a bog by a tree. It was a pretty nasty place, but he was happy because ogres like nasty. On his 17th birthday, the teenage ogre and his parents sat down to talk, just as all ogre parents had for hundreds of years before, telling him about he was ready to take his own way, warning him that because of his looks, humans will hate him. Ahh, I know it’s sad, very sad, but ogres are used to that – the hardships, the indignities. And so the young ogre went on his way and found a perfectly rancid swamp far away from civilization. And whenever a mob came along to attack him he knew exactly what to do, scaring them away. Meanwhile, there was an princess who had an enchantment upon her of a fearful sort which could only be broken by true love's first kiss. She was locked away in a castle guarded by a terrible fire-breathing dragon. Many brave knights had attempted to free her from this dreadful prison, but non prevailed. She waited in the dragon's keep in the highest room of the tallest tower for her true love and true love's first kiss. Male voice-over: (laughs and rips off a page) Like that's ever gonna happen. What a load of - Narrator: Hey! I was narrating it! Male voice-over: Ah, shut up. (We cut outside where we heard the noise toilet flushing coming inside the outhouse, before a green ogre, named Shrek, whom turns was been reading the book at the intro while he was using his toilet, comes out. He happily looks around a swamp, which happens to be his own home, where it contains a hill with a dead tree on top, which is his house. The title "Shrek" show up and the list of well-known voice actors who involved in the film, while Shrek starts on for his happy and peaceful quality time around his swamp home, such as taking his mud bath, bushing his teeth with slug slime before smiling at the mirror until it breaks to pieces, catching fish from the lake as he uses his fart, catching giant slugs from the mud, and paints the warning signs to keep everybody away from his property. Meanwhile, we cut to an nearly village where an group of angry mobs plans to hunt Shrek for his death and grabs their torches, pitchforks, and other weapons before heading of to Shrek's swamp. We cut back to Shrek where he's seen eating his evening meal in his house. We cut to another scene where the group of mobs sending off across the fields to the swamp forest. We cut to another scene where Shrek uses his burp to light a fire to his fireplace. We cut to another where men lights up their own torches. We cut to the part where Shrek devours a slug and relaxes on his chair. As the group angry men trespasses Shrek's swamp, Shrek overhears the shouts and peaks outside the window to see them coming towards to his property. So he sneaks out and quietly follows them along, while the song "All-Star" sung by Smash Mouth plays all throughout the scene. As the song ends, one of the men looks through the pond grass to Shrek's house) Mob#1: Think it's in there? All right! Let's get it! Mob#2: '(''halts him after one of the mobs was about to charge) Whoa. Hold on. Do you know what that thing could do to you? '''Mob#3: Yeah. It'll grind your bones for its bread. (Shrek sneaks up behind them and laughs) Shrek: Well, actually, that would be a giant. We, ogres, are a bit more sadistic. We'll make a suit from your freshly peeled skin. We'll shave your liver and squeeze the jelly from your eyes! Actually, it's quite good on toast. Mob#1: Back! Back, beast! Back! I warn ya! (he waves the torch at Shrek) (Shrek calmly licks his fingers and extinguishes the torch. The men shrink back away from him. Shrek roars very loudly, the men roar loudly back. His long and his breath extinguishes all the remaining torches until the men are in the dark) Shrek: (whispering) This is the part where you run away. (the men scramble to run away. He laughs) And stay out! (he looks down and picks up a piece of paper and reads it) "Wanted. Fairy tale creatures." (he sighs and throws the paper over his shoulder and to the floor) (It cuts to the next morning. There is a line of fairy tale creatures being arrested. The head of the guard sits at a table paying people for bringing the fairy tale creatures to him. There are cages all around. We see Peter Pan, Tinkerbell, the Seven Dwarves, Geppetto and Pinocchio, the Fox and the Three Little Pigs) Guard: All right. This one's full. Take it away! Move it along. Come on! Get up! Guard: (taking a witch's broom) Give me that! Your flying days are over! (breaks the broom in half) Head Guard: That's 20 pieces of silver for the witch. Next! Guard: Get up! Come on! Sit down there! Be quiet! Alma: '(''voice-over; being taken away by guards along with Elefriend) Aah! Let me go! That's not groovy, you big creep! Elefriend, please help! 'Elefriend: '(voice-over) Gee, I don't know how I can help, Alma. '''Guard: (voice-over) Shut up and get moving you two! (We see a donkey simply named Donkey fearly seeing around the place. He then sees Goldy Locks and the Three Bears locked in cages) Little Bear: (in a cage crying) This cage is too small. Goldy: Why I'm here? I didn't do nothing. Donkey: (to his elderly female owner) Please, don't turn me in. I'll never be stubborn again. I can change. Please! Give me another chance! Old Woman: Oh, shut up! (jerks his rope) Donkey: Oh. Head Guard: Next! (Geppetto places Pinocchio and the Fox on a table) What have you got? Geppetto: '''This little wooden puppet and this swindler fox. '''Fox: Ah, shut up, grandpa. You're turning me in due to I tricked your son twice or what?! Besides, this fat couchman hired me for trying to carring kids to him, so I had a reason for the second tim... Pinocchio: 'I'm not a puppet. I'm a real boy. (''his nose grows, almost hits the Fox) 'Fox: '''Hey! Watch it, you dummy! '''Head Guard: '''Five shillings for the possessed toy and 10 pieces of gold for the talking fox. (''to another guard) Take them away. 'Pinocchio: '(the guard takes him away) Papa, please! Don't let them do this! Help me! I swear I'll behave! 'Fox: '(to himself) I despised my life. (Geppetto takes the money and walks off) 'Head Guard: '''Next. What have you got? (''The old woman steps up to the table) '''Old Woman: Well, I've got a talking donkey. Head Guard: Right. Well, that's good for ten shillings, if you can prove it. Old Woman: Oh, go ahead, little fella. (Donkey just looks up at her) Head Guard: Well? Old Woman: Oh, oh, he's just... he's just a little nervous. He's really quite a chatterbox. (threats to Donkey) Talk, you boneheaded dolt...! Head Guard: That's it. I've heard enough. Guards! Old Woman: No, no, he talks! He does. (pretends to be Donkey) I can talk. I love to talk. I'm the talkingest damn thing you ever saw. Head Guard: Get her out of my sight. Old Woman: No, no! I swear! Oh! He can talk! (The guards grab the old woman and she struggles with them. One of her legs flies out and kicks Tinkerbell out of Peter Pan’s hands, and her cage drops on Donkey's head. He gets sprinkled with fairy dust and he's able to fly) Donkey: '''Hey! I can fly! '''Peter Pan: '''He can fly! '''Three little pigs: '''He can fly! '''Head Guard: He can talk?! Donkey: '(''taunting) Ha, ha! That's right, fool! Now I'm a flying, talking donkey. You might have seen a housefly, maybe even a superfly but I bet you ain't never seen a donkey fly. Ha, ha! (the pixie dust begins to wear off) Uh-oh. (he begins to sink to the ground and lands with a thud) 'Head Guard: '''Seize him! (''Donkey takes of running) After him! '''Guards: He's getting away! Get him! This way! Turn! (Donkey keeps running and he eventually runs into Shrek. Literally. Shrek turns around to see who bumped into him. Donkey looks scared for a moment then he spots the guards coming up the path. He quickly hides behind Shrek) Head Guard: '''You there. Ogre. '''Shrek: Aye? Head Guard: '''By the order of Lord Farquaad, I am authorized to place you both under arrest and transport you to a designated resettlement facility. '''Shrek: Oh, really? You and what army? (Shrek looks behind the guard and the guard turns to see that all other men have deserted him. The guard runs off, too. Shrek begins walking back to his cottage. Donkey follows.) Scene 2 Donkey: (to Shrek) Can I say something to you? Listen, you was really, really, really somethin' back here. Incredible! Shrek: 'Are you talkin' to... (''he turns around and Donkey is gone) me? (he turns back around and Donkey is right in front of him) Whoa! '''Donkey: '''Yes. I was talkin' to you. Can I tell you that you that you was great back here? Those guards! They thought they was all of that. Then you showed up, and bam! They was trippin' over themselves like babes in the woods. That really made me feel good to see that. '''Shrek: Oh, that's great. Really. Donkey: Man, it's good to be free. Shrek: 'Now, why don't you go celebrate your freedom with your own friends? Hmm? (''he walks off leaving Donkey) 'Donkey: '''But, uh, I don't have any friends. And I'm not goin' out there by myself. Hey, wait a minute! I got a great idea! I'll stick with you. (''he gallops to catch up with Shrek) You're a mean, green, fightin' machine. Together, we'll scare the spit out of anybody that crosses us. (For a moment, Shrek turns to Donkey and bursts his roar at him trying to scare him away, but nothing) 'Donkey: '''Oh, wow! That was really scary. If you don't mind me sayin', if that don't work, your breath certainly will get the job done, 'cause you definitely need some Tic Tacs or something, 'cause you breath stinks! (''As Shrek continues to leave Donkey to move on, Donkey, on a log bridge, sneaks up in front of Shrek's face) You almost burned the hair outta my nose, just like the time... (Shrek covers his mouth but Donkey continues to talk, so Shrek removes his hand) ...then I ate some rotten berries. I had strong gases leaking out of my butt that day. '''Shrek: '''Why are you following me? '''Donkey: I'll tell you why. (singing) ♪'Cause I'm all alone, There's no one here beside me, My problems have all gone, There's no one to deride me, but you gotta have faith...♪ Shrek: Stop singing! Well, it's no wonder you don't have any friends. Donkey: Wow. Only a true friend would be that cruelly honest. Shrek: Listen, little donkey. Take a look at me. What am I? Donkey: (looks all the way up at Shrek) Uh ...really tall? Shrek: No! I'm an ogre! You know-"grab your torch and pitchforks". Doesn't that bother you? Donkey: Nope. Shrek: Really? Donkey: Really, really. Shrek: Oh. Donkey: Man, I like you. What's you name? Shrek: Uh, Shrek. Donkey: "Shrek"? Well, you know what I like about you, Shrek? You got that kind of I-don't-care-what-nobody-thinks-of-me thing. I like that. I respect that, Shrek. You all right. (They come over a hill and see Shrek's cottage) Whoa! Look at that. Who'd want to live in place like that? Shrek: That would be my home. Donkey: Oh! And it is lovely! Just beautiful. You know you are quite a decorator. It's amazing what you've done with such a modest budget. I like that boulder. That is a nice boulder. (Shrek walks past all the “keep out” & “beware” signs he has erected) I guess you don't entertain much, do you? Shrek: I like my privacy. Donkey: You know, I do too. That's another thing we have in common. Like I hate it when you got somebody in your face. You've trying to give them a hint, and they won't leave. There's that awkward silence. (awkward silence) Can I stay with you? Shrek: Uh, what? Donkey: Can I stay with you, please? Shrek: (sarcastically) Of course! Donkey: Really? Shrek: No. Donkey: Please! I don't wanna go back there! You don't know what it's like to be considered a freak. (pause while he looks at Shrek) Well, maybe you do. But that's why we gotta stick together. At least, you gotta let me stay for a night! Please! Please! Shrek: Okay! Okay! But one night only. Donkey: Ah! Thank you! (he runs inside the cottage) Shrek: What are you...? (Donkey hops up onto a chair) No! No! Donkey: This is gonna be fun! We can stay up late, swappin' manly stories, and in the mornin' I'm makin' waffles. Shrek: (angry) Oh! Donkey: Where do, uh, I sleep? Shrek: (irritated) Outside! Donkey: Oh, well, I guess that's cool. I mean, I don't know you, and you don't know me, so I guess outside is best, you know. Here I go. Good night. (Shrek angrilly slams the door after Donkey sadly walks outside) (sighs) I mean, I do like the outdoors. I'm a donkey. I was born outside. I'll just be sitting by myself outside, I guess, you know. By myself, outside. I'm all alone... there's no one here besides me... Scene 3 (At night, Shrek is getting ready for dinner. He sits himself down and lights a candle made out of earwax. He begins to eat when he hears a noise. He stands up with a huff) Shrek: (to Donkey) I thought I told you to stay outside. Donkey: (from a window) I am outside. (There is another noise and Shrek turns. He sees several shadows moving. He finally sees Poppy, Branch and the Three Blind Mice on his table) Blind Mouse#1: Well, gents, it's a far cry from the farm, but what choice do we have? Blind Mouse#2: It's not home, but it'll do just fine. Blind Mouse#3: (bouncing on a slug) What a lovely bed. Shrek: Gotcha. (Shrek grabs the mouse, but it escapes and lands on his shoulder) Blind Mouse#3: I found some cheese. (bites Shrek's ear) Blah! Awful stuff. Branch: Bah! These food is made of swamp animals. Poppy: I'm not sure about this place. It looks creepy and... Shrek: Enough! (grabs the 3 mice, Poppy and Branch) What are you doing in my house? (Gets bumped from behind so he drops the mice and the two trolls. Turns and sees the Seven Dwarves with Snow White on the table) Oh, no, no, no. Dead broad off the table. Dwarf: Where are we supposed to put her? The bed's taken. (Shrek marches into the bedroom. He throws back the curtain. The Big Bad Wolf is lying in bed while Alma and Elefriend play cards with Goldy Locks and the Goat Kids) Alma: Hey there, Mr. Ogre, sir. Care for playing cards with us? Elefriend: 'Yeah! We're play... '''Slimmy Goat Kid: '(to Shrek) Do you mind? Can you please give us some privacy? '''Girly Goat Kid: Slimmy! Mind your matters, sheesh! Big Bad Wolf: (to Shrek) What? (Shrek drags the Wolf to his front door by his collar) Shrek: I live in a swamp! I put up signs! I'm a terrifying ogre! What do I have to do to get a little privacy?! (opens the front door to throw the Wolf out and he sees that all the collected Fairy Tale Creatures are on his land) Oh, no. No! No! (sees various fairy tale creatures such as the Three Bears, Pied Piper with rats, elves, fairies, witches and a few characters from previous DreamWorks animated films) WHAT ARE DOING IN MY SWAMP?! (this echoes and everyone falls silent. Gasps are heard all around from those fairytales creatures. The 3 good fairies hide inside a tent) All right, get out of here. All of you, move it! Come on! Let's go! Hapaya! Hapaya! Hey! Quickly. Come on! (more dwarves run inside the house) No, no! No, no. Not there. Not there. (they shut the door on him) Oh! (turns to look at Donkey) Donkey: Hey, don't look at me, Shrek. I didn't invite them. Pinocchio: '''Oh, gosh, nobody invited us. '''Shrek: What? Alma: '(''from a window) Well, sir, we were forced to come here. '''Shrek: (flabbergasted) By whom? Little pig: Lord Farquaad. He huffed and he puffed and he... signed an eviction notice. Goldy: '''It's no fair. '''Elefriend: '''Yeah, he's not even friendly to us. Whatta nasty grouch he is. Yuch! '''Poppy: Not to mention that we can't go back due to Farquaad will have us executed. Shrek: '(''heavy sigh) All right. Who knows where this Farquaad guy is? (Everyone looks around at each other but no one answers) '''Donkey: Oh, I do. I know where he is. Shrek: Does anyone else know where to find him? (to Alma) You, little girl. Do you? Alma: '(''shakes her head) Mm-mmm. Sorry, man. '''Shrek: (to Elefriend) How about you, pachyderm, do you know where's that Farquaad character? Elefriend: '(''laughs awkwardly) I know him, but I don't where he is, green fella. (Shrek turns to Poppy) '''Poppy: '''Sorry. I don't know either. '''Shrek: (to other fairytale characters) Okay, anyone at all? Donkey: '(''hopping) Me! Me! 'Shrek: '''Anyone? '''Donkey: '''Oh! Oh, pick me! Oh, I know! I know! Me, me! '''March Hare: '(to Shrek) Say, uh, why won't you just let that donkey tag along with you, he obviously knows how to guide you away to seek that no-good ruler. 'The Mad Hatter: '''Yeah, besides, we don't want him around with us since he's an annoying loud-mouth jackass. (''Burro glares at the Mad Hatter) Uh... Not you, Burro, I'm talking about the other donkey who hops around. 'Shrek: '(sigh) Okay, fine. Attention, all fairy tale creatures. Do not get comfortable. Your welcome is officially worn out. In fact, I'm gonna see this guy Farquaad right now and get you all off my land and back where you came from! (Pause. Then the crowd cheers) 'Bre'r Rabbit: '''Yee-haw! '''Alma: '(to Shrek) Groovy! I know you'd help us out. 'Elefriend: '''Yeah! As soon you have Farquaad taking care of, we'll have our ticket to freedom! '''Shrek: '(annoyed) Yeah, yeah, I know that. Just you wait. (the birds places a layer of flowers onto Shrek) Oh! (to Donkey) You! You're comin' with me. '''Donkey: All right, that's what I like to hear, man. Shrek and Donkey, two stalwart friends, off on a whirlwind big-city adventure. I love it! (singing) ♪On the road again.♪ Sing it with me, Shrek. (singing) ♪I can't wait to get on the road again.♪ Shrek: '''What did I say about singing? '''Donkey: Can I whistle? Shrek: No. Donkey: Can I hum it? Shrek: All right, hum it. (Donkey begins to hum 'On the Road Again') Act 2 - Lord Farquaad/"Do You Know The Muffin Man?"/Magic Mirror/Duloc/Shrek and Donkey in the Tournament Scene 1 (Meanwhile, the scene cuts to a masked man is torturing the Gingerbread Man. He's continually dunking him in a glass of milk. As short ruler, Lord Farquaad walks in) Farquaad: That's enough. He's ready to talk. (The Gingerbread Man is pulled out of the milk and slammed down onto a cookie sheet. Farquaad laughs as he walks over to the table. However, when he reaches the table we see that it goes up to his eyes. He clears his throat and the table is lowered) Farquaad: (he picks up the Gingerbread Man's legs and plays with them, taunting the Gingerbread Man) Run, run, run, as fast as you can. You can't catch me. I'm the Gingerbread Man! Gingerbread Man: You are a monster! Farquaad: I'm not the monster here. You are. You and the rest of that fairy tale trash, poisoning my perfect world. Now, tell me! Where are the others? Gingerbread Man: Eat me! (He spits milk into Farquaad's eye) Farquaad: I've tried to be fair to you, you talking cookie. Now my patience has reached its end! Tell me or I'll... (he makes as if to pull off the Gingerbread Man's buttons) Gingerbread Man: No, please! Not my gumdrop buttons! Farquaad: All right then. Who's hiding them? Gingerbread Man: Okay, I'll tell you. Do you know the Muffin Man? Farquaad: The Muffin Man? Gingerbread Man: Yes. The Muffin Man. Farquaad: Yes, I know the Muffin Man, who lives on Drury Lane? Gingerbread Man: Well, she's married to the Muffin Man. Farquaad: The Muffin Man? Gingerbread Man: (sobs) THE MUFFIN MAN!! Farquaad: She's married to the Muffin Man. You know, little cookie, I don't mean to break to you, but you're make not any kind of sense at all. (to the masked man) Thelonius, dunk him again. Thelonius: Yes, your highness. Gingerbread Man: Oh no! Not again! (But being interrupted by Faraquaad's guards who walks through the door) Guard: My lord, we found it. Farquaad: Finally! Then what are you waiting for? Bring it in. (More guards enter carrying something that is covered by a sheet. They hang up whatever it is and remove the sheet. It is the Magic Mirror) Gingerbread Man: (in awe) Ohhhh... Farquaad: Magic mirror... Gingerbread Man: Don't tell him anything! (Farquaad picks him up and dumps him into a trash can with a lid) Oh! Farquaad: Let's forgot about the other fairy tale creatures hiding around the kingdom. Anyways, I just wanted finding the mirror. (turns to a few guards) Bring that cookie to the swamp where I exiled the other freaks. He's too annoying. (turns to the Mirror) Evening. Mirror, mirror on the wall. Is this not the most perfect kingdom of them all? Mirror: Well, technically you're not a king. Farquaad: Uh, Thelonius? (Thelonius holds up a hand mirror and smashes it with his fist) You were saying? Mirror: What I mean is you're not a king yet, but you can become one. All you have to do is marry a princess. Farquaad: Go on. Mirror: (chuckles nervously) So, just sit back and relax, my lord, because it's time for you to meet today's eligible bachelorettes. And here they are! Bachelorette number one is a mentally abused shut-in from a Kingdom Far, Far Away. She likes sushi and hot tubbing anytime. Her hobbies include cooking and cleaning for her two evil sisters. Please welcome Cinderella. (shows picture of Cinderella) Bachelorette number two is a cape-wearing girl from the land of fancy. Although she lives with seven other men, she's not easy. Just kiss her dead, frozen lips and find out what a live wire she is. Come on. Give it up for Snow White! (shows picture of Snow White) And last, but certainly not last, bachelorette number three is a fiery redhead from a dragon-guarded castle surrounded by hot boiling lava! But don't let that cool you off. She's a loaded pistol who likes pina colads and getting caught in the rain. Yours for the rescuing, Princess Fiona! (Shows picture of Princess Fiona) So will it be bachelorette number one, bachelorette number two or bachelorette number three Guards:'''Two! Two! Three! Three! Two! Two! Three! '''Farquaad: Three? One? Three? Thelonius: Three! (but holds up 2 fingers) Pick number three, my lord! Farquaad: Okay, okay, uh, number three! Mirror: Lord Farquaad, you've chosen Princess Fiona. (The guards cheers as the song "Escape" by Rupert Holmes is played in the background) Farquaad: Princess Fiona. She's perfect. All I have to do is just find someone who can go... Mirror: But I probably should mention the little thing that happens at night. Farquaad: I'll do it. Mirror: Yes, but after sunset... Farquaad: Silence! I will make this Princess Fiona my queen, and Duloc will finally have the perfect king! Captain, assemble your finest men. We're going to have a tournament. Scene 2 (Shrek and Donkey come out of the field that is right by the parking lot. The castle itself is about 40 floors high.) Donkey: But that's it. That's it right there. That's Duloc. I told ya I'd find it. Shrek: So, that must be Lord Farquaad's castle. Donkey: Uh-huh. That's the place. Shrek: Do you think maybe he's compensating for something? (He laughs, but then groans as Donkey doesn't get the joke. He continues walking through the parking lot) Donkey: Hey, wait. Wait up, Shrek. Man: Hurry, darling. We're late. Hurry. Shrek: Hey, you! (The attendant, who is wearing a giant head that looks like Lord Farquaad, screams and begins running through the rows of rope to get to the front gate to get away from Shrek) Wait a second. Look, I'm not gonna eat you. I just, I just (He sighs and then begins walking straight through the rows. The attendant runs into a wall and falls down. Shrek and Donkey look at him then continue on into Duloc. They look around but all is empty and quiet.) It's quiet. Too quiet. Where is everybody? Donkey: Hey, look at this! (Donkey runs over and pulls a lever that is attached to a box marked 'Information'. The music winds up and then the box doors open up. There are little wooden dools inside and they begin to sing) Wooden dolls: ♪Welcome to Duloc such a perfect town! Here we have some rules. Let us lay them down. Don't make waves, stay in line and we'll get along fine! Duloc is a perfect place! Please keep off of the grass! Shine your shoes, wipe your… face, Duloc is, Duloc is, Duloc is a perfect place.♪ (Suddenly a camera snaps Donkey and Shrek's picture. It prints out like a photobooth) Donkey: Wow. Let's do that again! (Donkey prepares to run over and pull the lever again. He is stopped by Shrek grabbing his tail) Shrek: Wait, no no! No. We mustn't distract ourselves now. We have to keep on finding that Farquaad. But the question: where the heck is he anyway? (They hear a trumpet fanfare, and follow the sound, heading over to the arena) Farquaad: (voice-over) Brave knights. You are the best and brightest in all the land. Today one of you shall prove himself... (Donkey hums the Duloc theme song as they walk the tunnel to the arena) Shrek: All right. You're going the right way for a smacked bottom. Donkey: Sorry about it. (The crowd in the arena cheers. Farquaad is addressing his knights and the crowd) Farquaad: That champion shall have the honor -- no, no -- the privilege to go forth and rescue the lovely Princess Fiona from the fiery keep of a dragon. If for any reason the winner is unsuccessful, the first runner-up will take his place and so on and so forth. Some of you may die, but it’s a sacrifice I am willing to make. Let the tournament begin! (He notices Shrek) Oh! What is that? Ugh, it's hideous! (Shrek turns to look at Donkey and then back at Farquaad) Shrek: Ah, that's not very nice. It's just a donkey. Farquaad: Indeed. Knights, new plan! The one who kills the ogre will be named champion! Have him! Shrek: Oh, hey! Now come on! Hang on now. (He bumps into a table where there are mugs of beer) Shrek: (Holds up a mug of beer) Can't we just settle this over a pint? No? All right then. (drinks the beer) Come on! (While the song "Bad Reputation" plays in the background throughtout, Shrek takes the mug, smashes the spigot off the large barrel of beer and beer floods out, drenching the knights, turning ground to mud. Shrek slides past the men and picks up a spear that one of the men dropped. As Shrek begins to fight Donkey hops up onto one of the larger beer barrels. It breaks free of it's ropes and begins to roll. Donkey manages to squish two men into the mud. There is so much fighting going on here I'm not going to go into detail. And the various fighting scenes with the knights) Donkey: Hey, Shrek, tag me! Tag me! (Shrek comes over and bangs a man's head up against Donkey's. Shrek gets up on the ropes and interacts with the crowd) Shrek: Yeah! (A knight tries to sneak up behind Shrek, but Shrek turns in time and sees him) Woman: The chair! Give him the chair! (Shrek smashes a chair over the knight’s back. Finally, all the knights are beaten. Donkey kicks one in the helmet. The ding sounds the end of the match. The audience goes wild) Shrek: Oh, yeah! Ah! Ah! Thank you! Thank you very much! I'm here till Thursday. Try the veal! (laughs) (The laughter stops as all of the guards turn their weapons on Shrek)' ' Head Guard: Shall I give the order, sir? Farquaad: No, I have a better idea. People of Duloc, I give you our champion! Shrek: '''What? '''Farquaad: '''Congratulations, ogre. You're won the honor of embarking on a great and noble quest. '''Shrek: '''Quest? What you're talking about? I came here to get my swamp back. '''Farquaad: '''Your swamp? '''Shrek: Yeah, my swamp! Where you dumped those fairy tale creatures! Farquaad: '(''turns to a guard) The swamp already had a owner? I though it has no owner. (turns to Shrek) All right, ogre. I'll make you a deal. Go on this quest for me, and I'll give you your swamp back. '''Shrek: Exactly the way it was? Farquaad: '''Down to the last slime-covered toadstool. '''Shrek: And the squatters? Farquaad: 'As good as gone. After all, I have other places to choise. '''Shrek: '''What kind of quest? Scene 3 (''The scene cuts to Donkey and Shrek are now walking away from Duloc to an corn field as they begin their journey. Shrek is munching on an onion) '''Donkey: Let me get this straight. You're gonna go fight a dragon and rescue a princess just so Farquaad will give you back your swamp which you only don't have because he filled it full of freaks in the first place. Is that about right? Shrek: Yes, but you know, maybe there's a good reason donkeys shouldn't talk. Donkey: I don't get it. Why don't you just pull some of that ogre stuff on him? Throttle him, lay siege to his fortress, grind his bones to make your bread, the whole ogre trip. Shrek: Oh, I know what. Maybe I could have decapitated an entire village and put their heads on a pike, gotten a knife, cut open their spleen and drink their fluids. Does that sound good to you? Donkey: Uh, no, not really, no. Shrek: For your information, there's a lot more to ogres than people think. Donkey: Example? Shrek: Example? Okay, um, ogres are like onions. (shows his onion) Donkey: (sniffs the onion) They stink? Shrek: Yes - - No! Donkey: They make you cry? Shrek: No! Donkey: You leave them in the sun, they get all brown, start sproutin' little white hairs. Shrek: NO, Donkey! Layers! Onions have layers. Ogres have layers! Onions have layers. You get it? We both have layers. (he heaves a sigh and then walks off) Donkey: (trailing after Shrek) Oh, you both have layers. Oh. (sniffs) You know, not everybody likes onions. Cake! Everybody loves cakes! Cakes have layers. Shrek: I don't care... what everyone likes. Ogres are not like cakes. Donkey: You know what else everybody likes? Parfaits. Have you ever met a person, you say, "Let's get some parfait," they say, "Hell no, I don't like no parfait"? Parfaits are delicious. Shrek: (fluming) NO!! Stop talking, you dense, irritating, miniature beast of burden! Ogres are like onions! End of story. Bye-bye. (whispers) See ya later. Donkey: Parfaits may be the most delicious thing on the whole damn planet. Shrek: You know, I think I preferred your humming. Donkey: Do you have a tissue or something? I'm making a mess. Just the word parfait make me start slobbering. Act 3 - The Quest for the Princess/Dragon's Keep/"DRAGON!"/A Girl Dragon/Princess Fiona/"I Have To Save My Ass"/The Chase/"I Have Hamlet Hair"/Fiona realizes Shrek is a Ogre/Shrek Snatched the Princess Away Scene 1 (They head off. There is a montage of their journey while "I'm on My Way" sung by The Proclaimers. Walking through a field at sunset. Sleeping beneath a bright moon. Shrek trying to put the campfire out the next day and having a bit of a problem, so Donkey pees on the fire to put it out. Shrek and Donkey are walking up to the keep that's supposed to house Princess Fiona. It appears to look like a giant volcano) Donkey: (sniffs) Ohh! Shrek! Did you do that? You gotta warn somebody before you just crack one off. My mouth was open and everything. Shrek: Believe me, Donkey, if it was me, you'd be dead. (sniffs) It's brimstone. We must be getting close. Donkey: Yeah, right, brimstone. Don't be talking about it's the brimstone. I know what I smell. It wasn't no brimstone. It didn't come off no stone neither. (They climb up the side of the volcano/keep and look down. There is a small piece of rock right in the center and that is where the castle is. It is surrounded by boiling lava. It looks very foreboding) Shrek: Sure, it's big enough, but look at the location. (laughs...then the laugh turns into a groan) Donkey: Uh, Shrek? Uh, remember when you said ogres have layers? Shrek: Oh, aye. Donkey: Well, I have a bit of a confession to make. Donkeys don't have layers. We wear our fear right out there on our sleeves Shrek: Wait a second. Donkeys don't have sleeves. Donkey: You know what I mean. Shrek: Oh, you can't tell me you're afraid of heights. Donkey: No, I'm just a little uncomfortable being on a rickety over a boiling lake of lava! Shrek: Come on, Donkey. I'm right here beside ya, okay? For emotional support, we'll just tackle this thing together one little baby step at a time. Donkey: Really? Shrek: Really, really. Donkey: Okay, that makes me feel so much better. Shrek: Just keep moving. And don't look down. Donkey: Okay, don't look down. Don't look down. Don't look down. Keep on moving. Don't look down. (suddenly he steps through a rotting board and ends up looking straight down into the lava) Shrek! I'm lookin' down! Oh, God, I can't do this! Just let me off, please! Shrek: 'But you're already halfway. '''Donkey: '''But I know that half is safe! '''Shrek: '''Okay, fine. I don't have time for this. You go back. '''Donkey: '''Shrek, no! Wait! '''Shrek: '''Just, Donkey - - Let's have a dance then, shall me? (''bounces and sways the bridge) 'Donkey: '''Don't do that! '''Shrek: '''Oh, I'm sorry. Do what? Oh, this? (''bounces the bridge again) 'Donkey: '''Yes, that! '''Shrek: '''Yes? Yes, do it. Okay. (''continues to bounce and sway as he backs Donkey across the bridge) 'Donkey: '''No, Shrek! No! Stop it! '''Shrek: '''You said do it! I'm doin' it. '''Donkey: '''I'm gonna die. I'm gonna die. Shrek, I'm gonna die. (''steps onto solid ground) Oh! 'Shrek: '''That'll do, Donkey. That'll do. (''walks towards the castle) 'Donkey: '''Cool. So where is this fire-breathing pain-in-the-neck anyway? '''Shrek: '''Inside, waiting for us to rescue her. (''chuckles) 'Donkey: '''I was talkin' about the dragon, Shrek. Scene 2 (''Inside the castle) 'Donkey: '''You afraid? '''Shrek: '''No. '''Donkey: '''But... '''Shrek: '''Shh. '''Donkey: '''Oh, good. Me neither. (''sees a skeleton and gasps) 'Cause there's nothin' wrong with bein' afraid. Fear's a sensible response to an unfamiliar situation. Unfamiliar dangerous situation, I might add. With a dragon that breathes fire and eats knights and breathes fire, it sure doesn't mean you're a coward if you're a little scared. I sure as heck ain't no coward. I know that. '''Shrek: Donkey, two things, okay? Shut ... up. Now go over there and see if you can find any stairs. Donkey: Stairs? I thought we was lookin' for the princess. Shrek: (putting on a helmet) The princess will be up the stairs in the highest room in the tallest tower. Donkey: What makes you think she'll be there? Shrek: I read it in a book once. (walks off) Donkey: Cool. You handle the dragon. I'll handle the stairs. I'll find those stairs. I'll whip their butt too. Those stairs won't know which way they're goin'. (walks off) TBD TBD TBD Category:Theories Category:Alternate Reality Category:Shrek Category:DreamWorks Animation SKG Category:DreamWorks Category:DreamWorks Animation Category:Dreamworks Films